in love... but miserable?

In love, but miserable? I’m so sorry you feel this way! You should not have to.

If you are lonely, a boyfriend is not the way to cure the problem. In fact, I guarantee that it will only make it worse.

Our culture so often links self-esteem to getting attention from the opposite sex and being “in love”. This is distorted and downright cruel.

If you are lonely, the best way to deal with your loneliness is by reaching out and making friends. Boyfriends are often temporary. Good friends are permanent—they stick with you through your life, and they don’t “break up” with you when they find another friend.

You didn’t mention your family. If you have one, spend time with them. Work to build those relationships and to make them strong. They will be your family for life, so you may as well get along as well as possible.
Do things that get you out of yourself. Find out what talents God gave you and develop them. Reach out in love to others who are lonely—people who are sick, people in nursing homes, and so on. It is amazing what giving a little love can do.

Most important of all, of course, is to develop a relationship with the divine Source of all love—God. Your self-esteem should not come from a boyfriend. It should come from the fact that you are created in the image and likeness of God and that He loved you enough to die for you. That love, dignity and respect you will never get from a mere mortal boyfriend! Remember what God did for you and how much He loves you. Stay in regular contact with Him.

I know all of this may be easier said than done. If you are feeling bad about yourself, and if it doesn’t get better with new friendships and prayer, make a couple of appointment with a good Christian therapist. I honestly believe that good, Christ-based counseling can help everyone at one point or another in his life. There are often deeper emotional reasons for our insecurities and fears. Find out what yours are, expose them to the light and then trust God to help you deal with them.

Until you have done all this, don’t worry about finding a boyfriend. Worry about finding yourself. Then, when it is time, you will be in a much better position to pick a great guy, instead of just taking the first one to come along.

from...
Real Love
by Mary Beth Bonacci

is chastity the same thing as abstinence?

Abstinence means that a person is not sexually active. If I heard that a guy was abstinent, that would not tell me much about him. Maybe he is a man with courage and character and is saving himself for his bride. Maybe he just can not find a date. Either way, abstinence is defined as what is not happening to a person’s body—in other words, no sex.

Chastity is different because it is defined by what a person is doing with his or her sexuality. It means having the strength to use your sexuality according to God’s plan, whether you are single or married. Living this virtue purifies your heart, heals your memories, strengthens your will, and glorifies God with your body. For an unmarried person it is sexuality dedicated to hope—saving sex for marriage. An unmarried person who has already had sex can still choose to be chaste by starting over.

For the married and the unmarried it means having reverence for the gift of sex. Chastity is a virtue that defends love from selfishness and frees us from using others as objects. It makes us capable of authentic love. In short, abstinence ends in marriage but chastity holds marriage together.

from...

If You Really Loved Me

by Jason Evert

chastity crash course p.6 // how we fell and got stuck in the ditch

positive and negative purity

Let's start with a short story...

In the early Christian church, several bishops were gathered outside a cathedral in Antioch, when a beautiful prostitute passed by on the street. The bishops looked away to avoid being seduced. Bishop Nonnus, however, stared intently at her, and then said to his fellow bishops, “Did not the wonderful beauty of that woman delight you?” The bishops remained silent. Nonnus insisted, “Indeed it delighted me,” but he wept for her.

When the prostitute saw how the bishop looked at her, she was surprised. No one had ever looked at her with such purity. He was not lusting after her, but rather saw something in her that she did not even see in herself. That simple purity of the bishop’s glance marked the beginning of her conversion to Christ. She soon returned to find him, and today, we know this former prostitute as St. Pelagia.


In St. Pelagia’s story, we see that there is power in the way a woman dresses for a man, but there is also great power in the way a man looks at a woman. Bishop Nonnus was not afraid of being forced to lust at the sight of a prostitute. Rather, her body called him to love her properly—he saw a sister in Christ. He possessed “positive purity”.

How about the other bishops? We can say they had “negative purity”. They were right to avoid the occasion of sin, knowing they may fall, but God ultimately wants to transform our hearts so that we aren’t afraid we will lust every time we see an attractive person. This freedom is what chastity enables us to have. When we see ourselves and others not as objects but as persons to love, that is chastity. It is possible, as St. Pelagia proves.


first original experiences

We mentioned last week that Original Sin destroyed the perfect design God created us with. This is why the bishops were afraid to look at the prostitute. Let’s continue to look at that today. You’ve probably heard a lot about Original Sin, but not much about how Adam and Eve were before that. What were they before they disobeyed God? There is really much to learn from them—what Pope John Paul II calls the “Original Man”.

We looked at the story of creation last time and found how God created us and found us to be “very good” (Gn 1:31). Adam had an intimate relationship with God—they talked and listened to each other. They were friends. Then God gave Adam dominion over the animals, allowing them to name him. He was above all other creations. Why? He is a spiritual being—he was created in the image and likeness of God. The Pope calls this the “Original Solitude” and is a start at knowing our identities.

However, God found something wrong with this solitude. God must’ve noticed how Adam got bored with all the animals parading before him for weeks or months for him to name. So he puts Adam to sleep, and when he woke up, Eve was in front of her! He notices she is the same as he is, though there are differences. She is a person! He decides to be with her and they become “one flesh”. His perfection is realized with someone with him. This is what the Pope calls “Original Unity”. Haven’t we experienced this in our lives as well? Read Sirach 6:14-16.

They then get married. At this point, all’s still pure, and Adam experienced sexual desire in a pure way. Adam saw in Eve the call to commune—to love—her and not to use her. Adam and Eve were naked because they were not afraid of the other using or abusing them. They understood each other and looked out for each other in perfect love. Their intimacy was of perfect safety from each other because of its purity.

At this point also, God gave His first command—“Be fruitful and multiply”. Notice that this comes after being “one” and after having no shame. This is how marriage and the relationship between man and woman were designed. It is pure and is the home of sexual relations. This is “Original Nakedness”. Look at how innocent children are carefree even when they are not clothed, and you’ll see a glimpse of this.

Now, what does the three Original Experiences tell us? We were created to have a relationship with God and with other human beings. We were created to be related, because God is a related being—Father loving the Son, the Son loving the Father, and the Love between them so infinite and real, the Holy Spirit—and we are created in the image and likeness of God. Sounds familiar? By looking at the beginning, we see how we’re meant to be. We see how God took care of man, looked after them and communed with them. How come this isn’t the case today?


Original Sin

The serpent came and told them that she’s missing out on something. Satan wanted them to believe that God was holding out on them, that God didn’t want them to be happy. That is the essence of the Original Sin—man turned away from God, not trusting His love. Adam and Eve wanted to be gods because they wanted to decide for themselves even when God loves completely, not to mention the one who created man out of love. Man lost innocence and purity because he has turned away from God’s perfect design. Original Sin can be called “Original Wound”. It is this wound that we inherited and is the reason why we are not seeing what we discussed so far.

Remember the Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers? Try to recall the part when Gollum was arguing with Smeagol about Frodo’s concern for him. That’s what happened during the “fall” when man started to doubt God’s love for us.

In the same way that Smeagol went downhill, we went down as well. We lost trust in God and lost Original Solitude. Adam distrusted Eve for asking him to eat the fruit, and Eve distrusted Adam for not being there for him. We lost Original Unity. We stopped looking out for each other and thus lost Original Nakedness. It all began because we didn’t trust God.


Next in this series...
So man screwed up God’s awesome original plan. How do we fix it? Where can we find freedom and love after this?

chastity crash course p.5 // a quick "practical" recap

Try to click here (opens a new window) and answer the questions before continuing.

The questions aren’t meant to condemn you when you answer "yes" to them, rather they are wake-up calls that something needs to be worked out. It’s not easy, especially when they seem like hurdles to what makes us feel good, but all things are possible to God (Phil 4:13). When we understand chastity as something that frees us to love the other person the way they ought to be, which is far more beautiful than mere using, we’ll persevere for it.


bruce almighty

Remember that movie? Think about the part when Bruce just wants her fiancé to love her by trying to "magic" her into it (about an hour into the movie). This is not real love as he only wants her because he’ll feel complete with her beside him.

How about the last part when Bruce saw her fiancée praying, and how he decided to give up his personal desires while talking to God (around an hour and 20 minutes into the movie)? That is real love, and what he’s trying to do--giving up to put his fiance in peace--is what chastity is about.


Read what the following people have to say...

C.S. Lewis:
"Lust is a weak, poor, whimpering, whispering thing when compared with that richness and energy of desire which will arise when lust has been killed."

Pope John Paul II:
"Man cannot live without love. He remains a being that is incomprehensible for himself, his life is senseless, if love is not revealed to him, he does not encounter love, if he does not experience it and make it his own, if he does not intimately participate in it."

1. What do you think of C.S. Lewis’ words?
2. Why can’t we live without love?
3. If any, share stories about people you respect because you see chastity in them. What is so attractive about their lives?

Let us take time to make a quick prayer...

"Lord, as You created us in Your image and likeness, we know that You created us out of love and for love. You created us for a union of love with each other just as You crated us to be together forever with You. Lord, help us to be open to learn, to live and to love like You. Amen."


Next in this series...
What is the difference between positive and negative purity? What does Adam and Eve have to do with chastity?

are you a user or a lover?

This test is part of chastity crash course p.5

Are You A User or An Authentic Lover of Others?

For Guys and Girls:
-Do you spend quality time with his or her family?
-Do you honor the rules that his or her parents set up?
-Are you honest with your family about him or her?
-Do you long to do what is the best for him or her?
-Has the relationship brought you closer to friends, family, and God?
-Could you see yourself possibly marrying him or her?
-Would he or she make a good father or mother?
-Do you go to church with him or her?
-Do you pray for each other?
-If the two of you have already been sexually active, would you stay together if he or she no longer wanted to have sex?
-Do you set clear boundaries about what you won’t do physically?
-Do you avoid situations where you’re likely to go too far?
-If his or her family knew everything about your relationship, would they approve?
-Do you dress and speak modestly to help him or her stay pure??


For Guys:
-When you see an attractive girl, do you automatically imagine doing sexual acts with her?
-When it comes to your speech, are you respectful around girls you want to impress, but you sound like Howard Stern when you’re with the guys?
-Do you look at your girlfriend (or any girl) and try to think of ways to get her to have sex with you?
-Do you ask or hint to your girlfriend that you want to sleep with her, hoping one day she’ll say yes?
-Do you tell your girlfriend you love her, hoping that she will be inclined to be sexually active with you?
-Do you get mad at your girlfriend if she doesn’t want to be physical in any way?
-Do you cheat on your girlfriend?
-Do you gently push her to go further than she wants during times when the two of you are physically intimate?
-Do you think of yourself, or say to others, "I’ll go out with her, but I probably won’t marry her."?
-Do you often think about engaging in sexual acts with girls?
-Do you find yourself trying to spend time alone with girls, rather than spending time together with them in group settings?
-Do you find that you "agree" with your girlfriend to avoid fights so that you can get physically intimate with her?
-Do you look at pornography?
-Do you find that you listen or "put up" with your girlfriend (or any girl) to increase your chances of becoming physically intimate with her?
-Do you want to get out of the relationship if she doesn’t want to get physically intimate with you?
-Do you talk to your friends about what you did or plan on doing sexually with your girlfriend?
-Do you dance in a way with your girlfriend (or any girl) that would make the girl’s dad want to shoot you?


For Girls:
-Have you done sexual acts or compromised your dignity to make a guy more interested in you?
-Do you sometimes give in to a guys sexual advances out of fear of rejection or to avoid arguments?
-Do you sometimes dress immodestly to get attention?
-Do you talk about impure things with your girlfriends?
-Do you flirt with guys when you have no intention of dating them?
-Have you ever flirted with a guy who was dating someone else?
-Have you flirted with another guy while you were dating someone else?
-Do you flirt in a sexual way?
-Do you cheat on your boyfriend?
-Do you settle for being a "friend with benefits", hooking up with no commitment?
-Do you put up with degrading sexual jokes in order to not seem prudish or exaggeratedly proper?
-Do you spread gossip about sexual acts others have done?
-Do you rush into relationships or always say "yes" when someone asks you out?
-Do you fall back into the same sexual mistakes, relationship after relationship?
-Do you justify doing sexual acts because you feel "in love" or "ready"?
-Do you talk about or look at impure images online?
-Do you read materials that have a distorted approach to love and sexuality?
-Do you tolerate your boyfriend looking at pornography?
-Do you stay in unhealthy relationships because you’re afraid of being alone?
-Do you dance or move in a way that invites guys to lust after you?

chastity crash course p.4 // it's chaste, not chase

so what’s chastity?

Okay, now that you understand what love is as God designed it for us, being created in His image, what has chastity got to do with it? How come it’s not negative as "abstinence" as mentioned before? Blessed Mother Teresa once received an honorary doctorate at Harvard University and went on to speak about the beauty of chastity.".

"Young people, there is nothing more important than for you to be chaste."".

The graduates sat for a moment in befuddled silence, unsure of what she was talking about.".

"You must be chaste; your body is a temple," she continued.".

Some audience members brightened and said to one another, "Yeah, I want to be chased! Sure, chase me all you want!" ".

16,000 pocket dictionaries were sold that afternoon because nobody ever heard the word before. What is chastity that even Mother Teresa calls it beautiful and very important, yet still misunderstood?".

Imagine this scenario...
Student: Is it OK for my girlfriend and me to...
Teacher: NO.
Student: What if we just...
Teacher: NO.
Student: But what if we really...
Teacher: NO. NO. NO. Just don’t. Be good boys and girls. Hold hands and go to a pumpkin patch together, then play board games with her family and be home by 7PM. Otherwise you’ll get her pregnant, die of an STD, and go to hell. Class dismissed. Have a fun weekend.


The scenario above is more focused on "abstinence" than it is on chastity. Chastity is not merely about a set of rules or morals. It is about understanding how God designed us and how we can use that design to bring us closer to God and the people around us. Abstinence is part of chastity depending on your state of life, but abstinence alone is not chastity. Chastity is a lifestyle; it is a virtue (a firm habit of doing what is good)!

Chastity is the virtue that directs our sexual desires and attitudes towards the truth of love, being created in God’s image and likeness. It is much more than abstinence, which just means "not having sex, not doing this, not doing that". It is a virtue of controlling and moderating our desire for pleasure, thus enabling us to enjoy pleasure in good things the way God intends. But it is not merely about controlling, but learning how to love another rightly. It’s saying "yes" to the demands of love, and saying "no" to lust, which robs us and others of dignity. It is refusing to let lust take over and destroy love.

Most people think of it as "hiding" our sexual energy by ignoring it. That is repression and not chastity. We’ll see next week why sex is good, and why repression is not the proper response to it. It’s notable to mention, however, that repression can lead to a "slingshot" effect when we can’t hold it in anymore. Chastity is acknowledging the power of our sexual desire and guiding them with the deeper desire to love another, and not to use others for our own pleasure or benefits.

Some single people may ask, "So having sex outside marriage isn’t necessarily bad? We both agree to it. It’s not like I’m using her, or that we do it often." Yes, their feelings for each other may be sincere, but what they are doing puts them at risk and presents a lot of consequences--physical, emotional, character and spiritual damage--we’ll discuss on our future discussions. It’s not putting the best of the other at priority. This is not "looking out for each other" and therefore not what love or chastity is all about. This is at the core, a "pizza love". Pope John Paul II said, "only chaste men and women are capable of love". Why? Because they understand what real love is and strive to live it.

Chastity isn’t just about what you’re not allowed to do but what you can and must not do to come to real love. It is a lifestyle. It is understanding that love is not merely of comfort and convenience. It’s understanding what love really is, how it makes us complete and how we can live it. Chastity doesn’t end with just "not doing it"..


Next in this series...
Let's have a review of what we've learned so far.

chastity crash course p.3 // what's lust and love got to do with it?

"All we need is love", sang the Beatles. "Love makes the world go round", said another song. Everybody says "I love you".

But what do we really mean when we say "love"? Mary Beth Bonacci observes the following...

"I love pizza. I love my parents. What’s the difference? What am I really saying with these last two statements? When I say I love my parents, it means that I want the best for them, that I’m willing to sacrifice to give them the best. When I say I love pizza, I’m just saying I love pizza. Do I have a relationship with pizza? Am I saying that if pizza has a problem, I’ll be there for it? (What?! No pepperoni?! I’ll get there!) Once I’m tired of pizza, I pretty much don’t care what happens to it."

Pope John Paul II explained, "Love is not merely a feeling; it is an act of will that consists of preferring, in a constant manner, the good of others to the good of oneself." In other words, love is more than a feeling and not judged by the intensity of the emotion. We must strive to know what’s best for others and decide or commit ourselves to bring this "good" to others.

Pope John Paul II clarifies that the opposite of love is not hate, but using. So what does it mean to love, and not to use? Let’s read what God said, "Love one another as I have loved you. (Jn 13:34). So how does God love us? "For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son..." (Jn 3:16). What did Jesus say in the Last Supper? "This is My Body which is given up to you..." Love seeks to lift the other person up towards his/her good, not bring him/her pain, depression, loneliness, anxiety or addiction.

So how can we find real love? When we sincerely give ourselves for the good of others. The Church said "Man cannot fully find himself, except through a sincere giving of himself (Gaudium et Spes)". Real love is focused on the other, pizza love is focused on self. Isn’t that beautiful?

Let’s try to see how much we understand it:

LOVE
= committed or uncommitted?
= faithful or unfaithful?
= live-giving or life-less?
= life-long or temporary?

PIZZA LOVE / LUST
= generous or selfish?
= deep or shallow?
= sensitive or insensitive?
= pure or impure?

Of course, love equates to the left options, and lust equates to the right options.

So...
Loves gives to the other. Lust uses the other.
Love treats another person like a person. Lust treats another person like an object.
Love cannot exist apart from its source, God. Lust is sexual desire apart from the love of God.
Love is honest and life-giving to all persons involved. Lust is devious and ultimately destructive to all persons involved.
Love seeks to do what is best for the other. Lust seeks to please the self.


Next in this series...
What does chastity mean and where does it place in sex and love? Why is abstinence not necessarily chastity?

chastity crash course p.2 // let's talk about sex

In January 19, 2004, Time Magazine released an issue about human sexuality with the following excerpt:

Of all the splendidly ridiculous, transcendently fulfilling things humans do, it’s sex... that most confounds everything. What in the world are we doing? Why in the world are we so consumed by it? The impulse to procreate may lie at the heart of sex, but... bursting from our sexual center is a whole spangle of other things—art, song, romance, obsession, rapture, sorrow, companionship, love, even violence and criminality—all playing an enormous role in everything from our physical health to our emotional health to our politics, our communities, our very life spans.

Why should we be so? Did nature simply overload us in the mating department...? Or is there something smarter and subtler at work, some larger interplay among sexuality, life and what it means to be human? (p. 64)

Decades ago, it’s already a scandal to wear a one-piece swimsuit in TV. Nowadays, every highway has billboards filled with women wearing significantly more provocative clothes in poses that really tease the senses. Music Videos are filled with intense sexual materials. "Clean magazines" are way back the line compared to smut magazines. The world is obsessed with sex. We have a sexual revolution, and even the secular world is wondering why? Let’s try to keep that in mind and try to answer it later.

It’s been said that whether we deny it or not, we ultimately have two fears—the fear of not being loved, and the fear of not being able to give love. There’s nothing wrong with that. We all have the desire to share our lives with others, to know that there are others genuinely caring for us or there for us whatever happens.


created for love

This desire springs from our being created in the image and likeness of God. God is love, and as His creatures, we are created for love. How can we say that, and how can we be certain about it? Let’s try to dig a little deeper on that statement. It’s going to take a lot of thinking, but it will all be worth it.


in the beginning... God is madly in love with you!

Reading John 1:1-5, we see a glimpse of the Trinity and the reality that before God, there was "nothing" -- all creatures came from Him. He is the source of light. Genesis tells us that the world is dark and void without God. Let’s try to imagine that if it was us.

Imagine yourself in a dark room all by yourself. Can you spend a lifetime in that scenario? Given the choice, would you want others to join you eventually? Most of us think of creation as that. God was bored by Himself, so He created man. But is that really the case?

Let’s ask another question. Can God create something He cannot carry? What’s really in this question? If God can create anything, he can create it, but if He can’t carry something, He’s not God. Are your heads spinning already? Let’s try to ask a similar question. Can you draw a triangle with four sides? Of course not! That won’t be a triangle anymore. In the same way, God can’t create something that will not make Him a God. There is a problem with the question. In other words, for God to be God, He needs to be infinite, without limits... the very thing we often describe God with.

Let’s ask the question again, did God create you and me just because He is bored? Of course not! If He "needed" us to be happy or complete, He wouldn’t be God. So what’s the only logical reason God created us? If there’s nothing in it for Him, then there’s no other thing to say than because it’s all because of us – God created us because He wants us to be happy. Let’s take it a little further.

If a carpenter creates a chair, what would he need? Wood and nails. Once he’s finished and leaves, we’re left with the materials he used. Those would still be there because they are not dependent on the carpenter. But what did God create us from? Nothing. So if God would leave us, we’ll all be... "nothing". So the fact that we’re here means that God hasn’t left us.

If God created us so that we’ll be happy--remember that He gives infinitely as well--and that we are still here despite being sinners means that He still gives Himself to us, it only means that God is madly in love with us--with you and me! Let me repeat that in case you missed it... "God is madly in love with you!"


in His image

We should never forget that we are created in the image of God, not God in our image. If God is perfect, He can only give perfect love, and being created in His image, God meant that we do the same as well. If God created us for our sake, we should also give ourselves completely, versus seeking how we can "use" others.

Sex is important but how does it fit our lives? According to the Church, sex speaks this language of "forever" and "total giving". It foreshadows how God wants us to unite with Him--we were created for heaven and sex foreshadows the unity we’ll have with Him in it. That’s why the world is obsessed with it.

But if sex is the sign, then love is more important. In other words, the desire to be loved and to love is much deeper than the desire to have sex because love precedes sex -- the message precedes the language. We’ll discuss how this -- sex as the language -- is the case in our future parts of this series.

So how come that doesn’t seem to be the case with love and sex today? The problem is we have various definitions of love, most of them wrong. The Church tells us that Original Sin screwed up the picture. Before that tragedy, however, we can see what God meant for love and sex.

We’ll continue our dive to the beginning as we progress in this series and see how it was originally -- how it got ruined and hopefully how it gets fixed. It’ll be exciting. But first, we need to define what "love" is as the Church understands it. That will help us see it when we look at the beginning.



Next in this series...
What is the difference between love and lust? Why is knowing their difference important in sex and love?

chastity crash course p.1 // God is not a killjoy!

Most of us go through relationships. Courtship is exciting. We don't know what to do. How do I win her heart? How do I approach her? It's hard to connect and build a relationship, but when we're attracted, we find ways.

It gets more exciting when we finally get to meet and chat with her. We do things we didn't imagine we'd do, like volunteering in parish just to impress her, or buying expensive stuff just to please her. We'd soak ourselves in phone conversations even when our favorite show's on the tube. Finally, you become a couple.

After some time the word "forever" starts to get in mind, and intimacy starts to grow. Our parents thought us not to do "bad things" so we try to take things slow, but somehow, as time goes by and intimacy increases, it just gets harder. It feels so good and right, why call it "bad"?

Is God and the Church killjoys? Somehow most of us feel that way -- that "abstinence" is such an unfair "law". "True love waits" is usually all the explanation we hear, and it really doesn’t make sense to a heart filled with passion. We end up being torn between two choices -- suppress what we feel was good, or give in to our desires. We can try our best to abstain, but the difficulties make it easy for us to set aside our faith, especially when one thing is leading to another. If God doesn't want me to be happy, then He probably doesn't understand.

But Jesus tells us, "I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly... These things I have spoken to you that my joy might be in you and your joy may be full."

Unfortunately, as we find from the situation above, the word "abstinence" immediately comes to almost everybody’s mind when what the Church teaches about sexuality is brought up -- don’t do this, don’t do that! How can one believe in Jesus with this in mind. But is "abstinence" really all that the Church teaches?

A lot of people, not-so-old included, are consistently surprised to hear that the Church isn’t teaching mere "abstinence", but chastity. If only they knew the real deal. Hopefully, this series will help you understand why chastity is such beautiful thing, and why the Church teaches it.

Let us pray to Jesus...
You have created us for love. You made us for Yourself, and our hearts will not be at rest until they rest in You. So, open our minds and our hearts, so that this time of study may be a time of prayer. Help us to let go of those things that keep us from receiving the joy You wish to give us today and always. Amen.


Next in this series...
What does God have to do with relationships and sexuality? Why did God create us the way He did? What does God have to do with love and romance?

revealing by covering up... just like caring for chocoholics!

Die hard chocoholics like me fear diabetes a lot. If I’d ever get one, I’d probably survive if there’s no stock of chocolates in my cabinet, but I can’t imagine holding myself from grabbing one if someone eats it in front of me time and time again. It’s an absolute torture for a chocoholic, and someone who refuses to see this and just continues to parade sweets after sweets is just plain selfish and irresponsible; saying “I don’t have diabetes” just doesn’t make things easier.

Unfortunately, most women (and even men) have this attitude when it comes to modesty—“if he has a problem with the way I dress, that’s his problem. He should control his hormones.” But people who say this are unaware of the differences between men and women. As the saying goes, men are from Mars and women are from Venus.

Men are created to be visual. That means that they are affected more by things their eyes see, especially when it comes to sexuality. On the other hand, women are primarily stimulated by what their brains see. A hunk with a body oozing with machismo would catch their attention, but words will make their imagination go further than what they can see. As one local artist replied when asked why she wouldn’t pose for sexy pictures, “I know there are a lot of people who may not be aroused by my pictures, but I’m not comfortable with the idea that even a few men could possibly make me the object of their lust.”

That’s what happens when we don’t dress with modesty—people focus more on what we are versus on who we are. We become more like objects used to stir up the senses, than persons to give complete lives to. If you want people to respect or love you for who you really are, don’t distract them with immodest clothes.

There’s no denying that our bodies speak a language. Studies show that 55% of what we communicate is directly impacted by our actions; only 7% are by what we say and 38% by how we speak. Actor Eduardo Verastegui realized this when he decided to quit his high-paying roles. He was considered Latin America’s Brad Pitt, but seeing that the roles he was taking were not helping people draw nearer to God, he didn’t think twice about shifting to roles that spoke the language of chastity. He wasn’t making X-rated films, but he saw how what he was doing could negatively affect people. He left even if it could mean the end of his career.

Dressing with modesty doesn’t mean you need to look ugly. It simply means respecting one another by considering the possibility of stirring others into lust, the sin Jesus said someone can commit just by thinking with it.

More importantly, it is your tool of pushing people to not look at you as an object. With modesty, you are able to make them look beyond what they see and get to know who you really are – God’s creation. Do you want them to see something sacred, or something merely to lust for? Do you want to be seen merely as an object of pleasure, or be someone loved with authenticity? What you wear doesn’t define who you are, but it sends a message whether you like it or not. If you’re not a person of lust, don’t send that message.

Chocolates aren’t bad, but if we eat more than we need to, we lose out on things that matter most. There’s a proper place for chocolates in our meals and in our time of day. There’s also a proper amount for it. If we don’t follow that, slowly but surely, it’ll take its toll on us and we may even end up not being able to eat chocolates in the future.

It’s the same with sexuality. Chastity is our proper eating habit and modesty is one of our measuring tools. So don’t lose out by getting and giving more than what’s just right. Oh, and more importantly think about the “chocoholics” who may be having a hard time. We are all responsible for each other. As St. Paul said, it is not right to do "anything that makes your brother stumble” (Rom 14:21).