We are all unique and different from each other. But one thing remains the same -- all of us want to be happy. I am no exception.
When I was young, I saw a glimpse of happiness in my parent's love for me. Though we weren't rich, they gave me all the things I needed and wanted. They helped me learn values, exposed me to the sacraments, and most of all, taught me who God is. I was able to study in private schools, and had toys most of my neighbors were envious of. I guess you could say, in my own innocent way, that I was living like a king's son!
But, of course, even royal families are not perfect. While I thought
of myself as a king’s son, my family had a lot of troubles. As early as I can
remember, my parents already separated many times, and it didn’t help that my
father was an overseas engineer in the Middle East.
And so, as I grew older, I began to look for a deeper and more lasting
happiness, or as I would call it, “that
elusive it”. My search intensified especially after my parents separated
back in 1992 for the fourth and final time. I was 13 years old at that time. As
a result, I searched for this elusive "It" by exposing myself to
different people, ideas and philosophies – some were good, most were
destructive.
At first, I sought "It" in my own achievements. I worked
hard to please many people and to be prominent, but it was also primarily to
boast to myself. It was easy, especially since I belonged to the cream section
(or the number one class). I wasn’t a genius, but I had enough brain muscles to
work with. Opportunities came in waves. It was easy for me to become a
prominent student leader in my high school – student council officer, school
organ editor, president of various organizations in and out of school, and even
more. (Sayang lang I didn’t become an artista.) Yet "It" was still
missing.
Second, I sought "It" in my friends. I did everything to
please them, making myself as "in" as I could. That was a success as
well. I was always one of the cool guys. However, hardheaded and stubborn, I
only cared about myself and people who I believed cared about me. Sadly, at the
end of the day, the pain was still there. Yes, "It" was still
missing.
Third, I sought it in psychology and philosophy, in ideas which made
me feel as if I was better than others. I attended retreats to do mischief. I’d
challenge myself to steal just for the sake of being able to do it. I almost
even considered Satanism, and got me a Satanic bible! But somehow – I don't know how – something pulled me
back from this evil. I guess part of it was the fear of alienating myself from
friends. Part of it was also fear of failure. Once again, I was at a dead-end,
and "It" was nowhere within sight.
Confused, I tried getting into a romantic relationship, hoping I could
find "It" there. Everything went well at first. My life began to look
"normal" again – I seemingly "returned" to God and got hold
of my studies. But it was not meant to last. When my relationship ended,
everything else seemed to crumble, too. I even thought of suicide. Good thing I
never took that thought seriously. However, faced with despair and loneliness,
I was slowly giving up my search for "It."
The loneliness ended in my college days when God led me to an
"angelic" professor, Tita Belen Pereras. She was the instrument that
God used to bring me to Christ's Youth in Action, a Catholic community for
college students. She invited me to attend an 8-week series of talks called the
Christian Life Series (CLS). I surprised even myself when I said yes, because I
had already decided not to join any organizations in college, much more a
religions one, after being disillusioned by my “successful failures” earlier.
But I went through the CLS deeply motivated, despite the fact that I
already "knew" the things they talked about. I was in Catholic
schools since grade school, attended Mass every Sunday and simbang gabi, and
read Bible stories as a child. I knew a lot already, I thought. In fact, “I’m
so Catholic, if someone asked me who invented trains, I’d probably answer
‘Jesus’.”
Why, then, did I continue? Even if the talks were on the basics of our
Christian faith, something about the people I met there – how the speakers
shared with passion and joy, how my discussion group opened up, and the way
they talked without inhibitions – something struck me in a way nothing had.
These people were sincerely happy, and they sincerely just wanted me to be
happy, too!
Before I knew it, by September 12, 1996, around 2PM, I decided to
commit my life to God, and have a personal relationship with my Holy Father. As
I surrendered to God's Spirit and committed my life to Him, I began to feel
what I'd been looking for – abounding and
eternal happiness! I said to myself, "Hey, now you've found rest,
you've found what you thought didn't exist."
I realized then that I was not searching for a “what”, but for a who.
I wasn't searching for "It", but for Him! I didn’t need to be a
king’s son, but God’s son -- the Father’s son! There were still a lot of
questions to answer, but from then on, everything made perfect sense to me, and
nothing else meant more.
Broken family, failed relationships, realization that I was in the
wrong college course, feeling like I’m a stranger in my own home… those all
became silly things compared to what God put in front of me. Those pain cannot
separate me from my God. As Paul said in Romans 8:38-39, “neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present
nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in
all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in
Christ Jesus our Lord.”
I decided back then that the only logical response to this crazy but
real love was to infect others. As Jesus said in Matthew 5:15, “no one hides a lamp under a basket.” I
imitated those who introduced me to God. I gave up my bad habits, I became
courageous in talking about God, volunteered as a lay missionary of charity,
became a vocal defender of our faith, and even talked to random strangers and
groups of people about God and His Church among others! But my brightest lamp?
My smile reflected God’s love. (May
dimples eh.)
I was accepted by the Domnicans and the Franciscan Capuchins to give
priesthood a shot. I went with the Capuchins for a year, before ultimately
deciding that that is not the direction God wanted for me. I then started to
become a lector in our parish, and in about a year, I not only became an
officer of the lectors, I became part of the Parish Pastoral Council as the
head of the Education Ministry. Everyone was in their golden years, and the
Youth Ministry head was the only one near my age back then.
My apologetics (or defense of the faith) work was also prospering. I
was talking to Baptists, born again Christians, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Iglesia ni
Cristo, Mormons and atheists, and was able to get them to respect and look at
Catholicism differently. I was able to meet and talk to my heroes, like Mary
Beth Bonacci, Steve Ray and Tim Staples. And my Catholic website back then was
even listed by prominent organizations globally as a place to browse.
In the work front, I was also climbing the ranks. Recognitions and
promotions were pouring. Financial stability was achieved. Friends were also
growing in numbers. Everything seemed to be going well, right? Wrong!
I wish it was all peaches and cream from here. But just as Paul still
struggled after encountering Jesus, sin got the best of me: I delight in the law of God, in my inmost
self, but I also see in me a war with righteousness that made me captive to the
law of sin. (Romans 7:22-23) Despite the long list of good things that came
my way, I still fell back. Waaaay deep!
Following a failed wedding engagement, I instead found myself engaging
in an extramarital affair. Worse, I ended up living with that woman outside
marriage. I was counseling and teaching a lot of people about chastity and the
theology of the body. Many were thanking me for putting their relationships and
sexuality in the right track. Yet here I was in a whirlwind romance gone wrong!
In a few months, I became a father out of wedlock.
Darkness in the past was a sad place, but this time I’m in an even
darker place. In fact, probably the darkest moment in my life. When you turn
your back from God, you really do lose light and life, however overflowing they
may have been. I lost focus at work, I
lost my prayer life, stopped receiving the sacraments, and alienated myself
from positive friends. I also found myself getting deeper in sins of the flesh.
Name it, I probably did most of it. I felt like thrash. Literally.
I couldn’t recognize myself. I was like the Prodigal Son who left his
house with all its treasures, only to find himself wallowing in mere scraps of
life. I felt trapped. Fighting with foul words in front of the children, finding
myself deep in debt, and turning into a repulsive and disgusting person
already. I was getting worse, and I'm not making her better. Everything I
learned and lived in the past went down the drain. I knew this relationship was
wrong, but what will happen to my children if I leave? With St. Paul in Romans
7:24, I cried, “Wretched man that I am!
Who will deliver me from this body of death?”
But you know what’s good with having God as your Father? He remains
faithful to you no matter what. In those darkest moments, God was my most
persistent stalker (daig pa trolls ng facebook). As the Psalmist in Psalm 139
reminded me through a song:
Yahweh, I know you are
near,
standing always at my side.
You guard me from the foe,
and you lead me in ways everlasting.
Lord, You have searched
my heart
And You know when I sit and when I stand
Your hand is upon me protecting me from death
Keeping me from harm
Where can I run from Your
love?
If I climb to the heavens You are there;
If I fly to the sunrise or sail beyond the sea,
still I'd find You there.
If the greatest lover is your greatest stalker, you’d give in sooner
or later. I heard in my heart God whispering gently yet with passion, “Do you honestly think I’d leave your
children, if following me means you need to leave this life?” It was a
light bulb of the brightest kind moment for me. How can I make excuses from
following a God who always keeps His promises?
Like the father in the parable of the Prodigal Son, I saw God running
towards me even when I was just about to make my first step. Whose heart
wouldn’t melt?
Doubt would try to creep in from time to time, but God also sent me a
father figure in Mike Joseph, and through him a group of men who encouraged me
to trust in God. God was really rallying for me. How could I still doubt? I
started to pray again; started reading the Bible and receiving the Sacraments
again. I ended my sinful affair, and trusted God to guide me and my children in
all of this.
But of course, the darkness won’t just allow me to return. Months
before transferring to my new home, the stock market fell, and with it the
money needed for the house. I gave up back then and decided to just live with
my mom in the province, and from there bear the challenges of a very loooooong
commute to and from work.
But God couldn’t be outdone in generosity. Without me asking friends
directly for help (I didn’t even tell them what’s happening), close friends
called for no reason and volunteered to lend me money when they found out
what’s happening. Unfortunately, as awesome as that was, I was still short by a
significant amount. But God was not finished.
Another friend called me out of the blue, and, upon finding out my
dilemma, readily offered his house for me to stay in while I solve my financial
problems. The struggle with the long commute no longer existed. Now, I just
need to find more funds.
Three days before the deadline, I sensed God asking me to recompute. I
was telling God, “I couldn’t even count how many times I computed this everyday
for three days. Why would I recompute now?”
To my surprise, the needed amount I kept recomputing for three days
suddenly appeared! It’s as if someone deposited money into my bank account
without any trace. No transaction record, no new deposits... the amount just
got there somehow. At any rate, I now had the funds, and with that a new place
to stay at!
That solved, the next question was where will I plant myself as I walk
back to God? After all, no man is an island. Just as I was thinking about that,
the same friend, Peter Bautista, who volunteered his house during my financial
struggle, invited me to join him in BCBP to help strengthen the community. I
was hesitant at first. What could a broken man like me offer to BCBP? But I
sensed God telling me this is part of his “Balik
Ama” or “back-to-Abba” program.
Heeding that call was the greatest decision I made. I found myself
surrounded again by people in love with God, brothers and sisters who pray for
me, and support me when I’m down. I found a community that keeps reminding me
of God’s love, and keeps showing that the best life is a life in the Trinity. I
am once again surrounded by joy.
I also found myself serving fervently again. I am able to serve as
formation head in the Governance team of BCBP Marikina Chapter, share my faith,
and even help others know more about the Bible through the Great Adventure
Bible study. It’s easy to imagine God teasing me, “Is your return worth it?”
(Ayos ba balik mo?) To which I can only respond with a resounding yes!
My kids? They remain the jewel of my eyes, and I find them growing
into children I am proud of. They pray every night, read the Bible, and are
fans of The Chosen TV series. God really does keep His promises!
I’m still on my journey towards Him with a lot of sins I need to work
on. I know stumbling again is not impossible, but I am confident that I can't lose
Him again whatever happens because of the love He's shown me so concretely.
I've found the happiness I was looking for. It’s not a happiness that’s
temporary and disappears, and I know it can never be taken away from me. Why?
Because I am truly living the way I was meant to live – as the Father's son!
Thank you for reading,
and if my sharing helped you in any way, I ask that you always include me in
your prayers. I love talking to people, so if you want to talk, feel free to
message me. We’ll have fun. God bless us all!
